Monthly Archives: April 2014

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I’ve been told that I’m a pretty intelligent individual but quoting ‘Mean Girls’ isn’t a very incredible feat, I don’t think. I’ve read a couple of Shakespeare’s works, memorized the words to every song Britney Spears has ever made, I did Additional Mathematics for my ‘O’ Levels, I even got a Diploma in Law, and even after all that, I don’t think I’ve amounted to much. I’ve had 24 years to get my life together, to make a point in my life, I’ve had jobs, I’ve made connections but you know what? I’ve gone from knowing jack shit to fuck all. I feel like I should have at least had a bit of something at the tip of my fingers by now, but I don’t.

I’m someone’s personal assistant right now. I take two and a half hours to get to work at 9.30am every day, I leave work at 5pm and take another two and half hours to get home. I sit in the office the whole day not doing anything cause my boss isn’t even in the office. How does one be a PA when one’s boss isn’t even there? I go on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, I repeat, I put my hand in my bag and take out a bag of Haribo, I snack, I watch videos, I sit around playing Subway Surfers (most amazing game I think) and Jelly Splash, I try to while my time away, my brain cells die slowly, one at a time, I complain about being paid to do nothing.

I just chipped a nail on my finger and I picked at it and now it’s not the same length as the rest and it’s annoying me. I just want to go home and clip my nails and make them all even. I’m currently at work, trying to hold in my pee cause I don’t really like to pee in the toilet here. There are air ventilators on the toilet door and the toilet is right inside the office so when you pee, everyone can here the sound of your pee making contact with the water in the toilet bowl and that’s just grim.

I’ve been at work for the past 6 hours, not even attempting to look busy cause you see, no one here cares that I have work to do or not. My boss isn’t in half the time, so I just come into the office and steal the WiFi and steal the air-conditioning and steal the coke in the fridge and make myself at home. I’m sure you’re thinking “what a great life you lead” and yeah, it’s okay I guess. I’m getting paid a decent amount of money to sit around and do nothing and that is definitely a great job to have but I sit here every day, with no work to concentrate on, thinking of ways I can escape.

Not escape this job, escape this life. It’s like having a first gen iPhone and it’s already 2014 and you decide that yeah, I need a change, a brand new start, so you go out and get a new phone, with brand new everything…that wasn’t a very good analogy. Well, I’m done with this chapter of my life, I would really like to move on. I think I’ve seen all that I can see here, I think I’ve experienced enough, I think I’ve learnt more than I can being here, so I would like to get a new life, please.

It’s not even because I’m bored of Singapore…well, that’s partly the reason, obviously. Who really likes living here? I want to leave because there’s just too much here that I want to get away from. It seems cowardly, to run away from problems, but it’s not really a problem, it’s more of the memories, the past, the people I don’t wish to see or hear about anymore. It’s quite pathetic when I reason it out with myself like how about the people that I actually like? The great thing about me is that I don’t have that many friends that I trust and would like to keep around for a while, maybe just two.

I think it’s time I do something drastic with my life. I’m too young to settle down into a job that I’m probably gonna hate in 3 years, I’m not ready to settle down and have kids, I’d rather be broke somewhere else than have a job and have to stay here.

People say I’m young and naive and that I don’t know much, that I haven’t seen much of the world to be able to judge this life for myself. Well, let me go see the world then. Let me be the one to decide what I want out of this life. I don’t want to have to constrict myself and make this life lesser than what it is really worth. I’ve been through so many stages of life and I think I’ve finally settled down into this one – where I don’t ask “what if” but I just do it. I’ve left home for 6 months and even though it was a scary thought to just drop my entire life in Singapore and pack up to start one somewhere else, I’m glad I did it. I’ve bought a plane ticket and flew off a week later because I wanted to, with no plans, not knowing what to do exactly, but I did it anyway.

I felt free being able to do whatever I wanted and you might say “realistically, you can’t do whatever you want”, but you can. You wanna quit your job and go backpack across Europe for 3 months? You can. You wanna quit that good-paying job to pursue something you love that isn’t economically stable? You can. You want to get out of that long-term relationship because it’s hurting you but you don’t because you feel like you can’t? Well, you can.

I’m only 24, don’t even know what I wanna do with my life, don’t even know what I’m gonna do tomorrow, but I’m not scared or worried cause I can make my life out to be whatever I want it to. And I know how juvenile that sounds but really, you can get the fuck out of here right this very second if you wanted to.

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I’ve been sitting here for hours, trying to decide what I should write about today, but I really have nothing. Have the months of not attempting to string words together to form sentences on a blog reduced me to a heap of nothingness with no thoughts or opinions? I think it has. I feel like a less inspired person than I was a year ago…but that could be a good thing, I guess, since the only thing that spurred me on then was the surfeiting amount of negativity in my life. Is that how it works though – negativity being the driving force of thought? I mean, I am capable of thought, but not profound enough thoughts, something like “why is it called a ‘dinner party’ when it’s not really a party?” I know, I’m so thought-provoking.

I have realized that though, that I tend to express myself better when I’m down in the dumps. You should have been there when I was suicidal, I had so much depth.

Besides the fact that I’ve lost my ability of expression, I’ve been obsessing about my weight a tiny bit. A lot, because no one obsesses “a tiny bit”. I feel that if I were thinner, I would be happier, that if I’m thinner, I could love myself more. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t care, otherwise I would have addressed the matter head-on, probably go for a run or two, but I haven’t. I want to care but I can’t care that much probably because at the back of my mind I’m thinking “actually I look fine…in this angle…in this light” and that seems to be good enough for me.

And when I do actually motivate myself enough to lie down and do a sit-up, I realise that I can’t even bring myself to get up. I proceed to lie there, thinking “I’m gonna lie here for about 15 seconds then I’ll try to get up” and 15 seconds turn to 30, a minute, and when I finally realise what’s happening, it’s already the next morning and I actually have to get up to shower and go to work.

I sometimes manage about 2 or 5 sit-ups on a good day but then I get frustrated like “I’ve already done 3 sit-ups, what do you mean I’m not thin yet?”

After all that though, I must admit, I can’t be fucked to exercise, I have no willpower to drown myself in an eating disorder, and frankly, so what if I’m a little chubby? We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves that we can love.