I’m feeling very overwhelmed today, so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even nod off in the bus to work (which I usually do, which I SHOULD have done today considering the mere 4 hours of sleep that I had). I kept thinking about money – will I have enough soon to get myself a plane ticket to see Tom? Will I have enough to last me until I get my pay next? Will I be able to save enough each month? I kept thinking about work – how am I suppose to last another few months at this job that I hate? Will I be able to pull through and care about things I don’t care about for much longer? I thought about my mum – how much I hate her (this has nothing to do with teenage angst. I’m 24, it’s a much bigger issue than that) and how I’m dying to leave. I don’t have any sort of relationship with her, with any of my family members. We don’t talk, we don’t go out to do anything together, it feels like a bunch of strangers living under one roof.
I then thought about how happy I was living with Tom. How his family bought me gifts for my birthday, for Christmas, something my own family never cared about doing, which probably led to me not giving a single fuck when my birthday came around. I thought about how they always thought about me, bought me things when they were out, saying “oh, we saw this and thought you would like it so we got it for you!” I thought about those mornings I woke up with Tom next to me and how I never woke up angry or feeling negative about the day. I remembered how his family always made me laugh, made me feel included, made me feel like I was a part of their small, warm family unit.
I’ve never felt that sort of love here. Maybe I have, but maybe I was too young to notice. It’s frustrating when your parents treat you like a kid when you’re clearly a fucking adult. I still get texts at 9PM, telling me to come home cause it’s late. I have no privacy, no sort or form of respect from anyone. I just feel so angry all the time, and sad at the same time. Sad because I have to face all these people I hate every day when I could be somewhere else with people who actually want me around.
I’ve been slipping in and out of my moods. I’ve started to get anxious again, panicky. I haven’t been that way in a while but it’s all coming back. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit too far away right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few months and it scares me, it scares me that I might still be here then. I hate the uncertainty, I hate all these toxic people in my life, I can feel myself losing a grip on things again and I’ve taken so long to get better (sort of), I just don’t want to slip and fall into everything that happened before.