I came across my old blog, that I haven’t been to in a while, and I started reading old posts and realized how negative they all were (seriously though, someone should have placed me under suicide watch…which reminds me – I should probably put my iPod on suicide watch, so much angsty music these days, my dear Apple product~). I felt a pang of pity reading what I had written a bit over a year ago. A bit bittersweet at the same time seeing where I am right now though. It’s always nice to be able to see the changes you’ve gone through over a period of time because you’re the last person to be able to see the changes in yourself.
Even though I’m feeling quite embarrassed (highly mortified more like it) going through my past posts, I feel like I should share a bit of it with you. Just be warned that my life was a tad…rough (not like ‘starving African children’ tough but more of a ‘young adults facing first world problems’ tough) back then. I think I was quite emotional (not that I’m not emotional now, I was just more vocal, more expressive, and more…emotional then) and had a lot of things to say about so many things, things that both concerned me and things that did not concern me at all.
This was posted on my old blog on the 31st of January 2012, at 1.03 PM. I laughed when I got to the end of that post, like how did I ever manage to be so funny then?! (Oh, I’m such a modest person~) I chose to show you this post because you know what, I did actually find someone who would “take me away from this hideous place”. That same person who has his arms around me when I wake up in the morning, who kisses me until I wake up, who loves going on adventures with me (even though the adventure that I love to go on the most is a ‘shopping adventure’, which he isn’t too keen on most of the time), who went to the extent of getting another duvet to use in a SINGLE BED because I kept stealing all the sheets through the night. What I didn’t get was the conquering of three-quarters of the bed cause he has a massive bum and he’ll push me to the wall, hence, me ending up with a mere quarter of the bed. What makes this post more interesting is the fact that I wrote it on the day that I started talking to him. (HEY, TOM! If you’re reading this, I’m talking about you! And yeah, YOU HAVE A MASSIVE BUM!)
This was posted on the 18th of February 2013, at 8.17PM. I feel really proud of myself after reading this. I’m usually not very good at putting thoughts onto paper but I think I did a damn good job at conveying my thoughts in this one. And it’s true, it does get better, and I do feel like a much happier person now. I’m not saying you completely forget about the person that you left behind, because you can’t completely forget about someone you’ve known so intimately for a good portion of your life. I don’t think of my ex-boyfriend as a person, I do think about the nice things that we shared before. As much as you don’t want to, you will. You’ll remember all the good memories, the positive things that happened before everything went downhill.
Yeah, of course I hate my ex-boyfriend (after all he had done – or not done – and all the crap that he’s left behind, I’ll be stupid to not hate him!), but its not the sort of hate that consumes me. I just dislike him very, very much.
Also, that post came from a very good place. I had just came back from seeing Tom and had had a good few weeks with him, and was feeling very settled into my life. My mind wasn’t frazzled, I wasn’t typing out words blindly, I was at peace with myself, because I did find someone much better, much nicer, someone who loved me and was willing help fix me.
This was from the 11th of January 2013, 9.17PM. This is just one of the many, many, MANY ‘crazy’ posts that I had written. I was just very emotional then (really?! No fucking way, Emmi!) and I had a lot going on my plate and was quite possibly crying and feeling sad for days on end then. I think I hadn’t feel that awful since the Fall of Emmi back in 2010 (Fall of Emmi…that didn’t come off as funny as it did in my head) which I will touch on (soon, in another post. Maybe. Don’t hold me to that).
I didn’t really have anything to blog about. I just stumbled on my old blog and thought I would share some posts with you because I really do think I’ve changed a lot, even though it’s only been over a year ago. For starters, I don’t feel like committing suicide anymore and that’s always good!
I probably should go do something productive in the office…like do actual work.